How To Stop Comparing Yourself With Others

I explored my envy and jealousy in-depth and became a better man.

Months ago, my friend shared his new business successes with me.
Even though he was very excited, I found it difficult to share his excitement.

“That’s supposed to be me, dammit!”

I could hear a voice inside of my head yelling.
I kept half-listening until he finished and then I said I’m happy for him.

“What?!

You’re not happy-for-him at all!

You’re lying!”

But I just wanted to be nice to him!
My frustration and shame started to get overwhelming and I could feel how I’m slowly moving towards apathy.

envy jealousy envious jealous comparison comparing yourself self-comparison relationship how to heal growth
envy jealousy envious jealous comparison comparing yourself self-comparison relationship how to heal growth
Photo by Ethan Elisara on Unsplash

Honesty leads to vulnerability and therefore requires courage

I knew what needed to be done.

“Dude, there is something I want to share with you.”

And I told him.

“This is extremely uncomfortable to share, but it’s the truth and I respect you so I’ll share it with you. I want you to know it’s not personal, it’s all my stuff.

As you talked about your success, I realized I envy you.

I feel pride about my current skills and, as uncomfortable as it is to admit, on some level I believe that I’m better than you.

Because of that I feel a deep frustration because despite being better, I am not having better results than you do.

I also feel some anger at you or maybe even the world because it feels unfair and it feels as if you are taking something away from me.

Right now now I feel humiliated for admitting and saying all this out loud.”

After I finished, there was a long pause.

“Thanks for sharing and stepping into vulnerability, brother. Just allow yourself to feel whatever comes up, it’s okay,”

He understood that my envy about him has nothing to do with him — it was all my own insecurities, projected at him.

envy jealousy envious jealous comparison comparing yourself self-comparison relationship how to heal growth
envy jealousy envious jealous comparison comparing yourself self-comparison relationship how to heal growth
Photo by Bluehouse Skis on Unsplash

Envy is a feeling of low self-worth because of someone else’s success

The Law of Polarity states, that everything in the world has its opposite, which is identical in nature but different in degree.

envy jealousy envious jealous comparison comparing yourself self-comparison relationship how to heal growth
envy jealousy envious jealous comparison comparing yourself self-comparison relationship how to heal growth
Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash

Only compare yourself with the person you were yesterday

In the relative world that we live in, we cannot avoid comparing because it helps us determine the relative value of everything that exists. My mind will never stop comparing my perceived value with someone because it is part of its nature.

How will I make that automatic?

Breaking the envy pattern and upgrading my subconscious mind

The first step towards creating any change is acceptance of the current state.
I did that.
I allowed myself to feel the emotions around my envy in their full force.

  1. A repeated low-intensity event affects the brain and the subconscious mind. The adaptation feels like “getting used to it” (e.g. cultural adaptation after moving to a new country).
    These changes can be planned and created proactively.

“Today, I will become a better man than I was yesterday!”

Then I imagined how I would go through the day until I could feel good about me outgrowing my current self and then went on with my day as usual.

“Did I become a better man today than I was yesterday?”

I paused, went through the day mentally, and allowed my answer to come up.

envy jealousy envious jealous comparison comparing yourself self-comparison relationship how to heal growth
envy jealousy envious jealous comparison comparing yourself self-comparison relationship how to heal growth
Photo by Djim Loic on Unsplash

It feels so good that I keep doing it to this day!

I started to become more aware of even more subtle signs of envy.
Anytime I notice it, I return and center myself almost immediately. I can listen better, give more and share more of the joy of others’ successes.

Honesty makes you vulnerable. Be honest anyway.

I know that I will still feel envy at times.
It would be arrogant to claim that I “fixed it“ forever.
Now I’m just much better equipped to handle it in the future.

Honesty is often very hard. The truth is often painful. But the freedom it can bring is worth trying.

And to me — it was worth it.

Life Coach, Emotional Intelligence Lector, Life Enthusiast. Catch up with me @ www.bymaros.com

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